Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
