I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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