Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
