my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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