I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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