This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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