i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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