U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
