i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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