Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
