I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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