Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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