Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
