hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
