Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he just fucked me for my cheese.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
