Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
