It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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