I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
