What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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