Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
