so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
