trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
not ubering you a puppy
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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