im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
