and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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