Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
