I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
