About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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