not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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