I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
