ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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