I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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