So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
