if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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