Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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