nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
