nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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