Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
