yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
