I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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