my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
