Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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