remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
