my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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