If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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