I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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