Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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