Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
