I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I wish there were birth control emojis
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
