my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
