Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
