I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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